I felt like something died inside of me yesterday when I heard.

I don’t know what emotions ran through me, but it hurt. More than when you said it was impossible for us that night.

I’d rather have heard it from you, and I’d have gladly accepted it and wished you luck.

But I realised that I had no right to feel anything. You weren’t my girl.

I never felt that you were holding me back, I held myself back because I wanted to believe that the you that I believed used to love me would come back one day.

But I guess I was forcing myself to be oblivious to everything that you’ve done since the period near the end of 2005. You just wasn’t the same anymore, but yet I wanted to believe.

I always thought that with effort, will come results. But I guess there’s a higher power perhaps that loves to keep messing around with me.

It was that one day on December 27th that I thought maybe we could start things anew. You weren’t cold to me anymore. I was truly smiling at every reply I had. But I guess I either screwed up bad, or I thought wrong.

I guess what will be, will be.

If I’m true to myself, nobody else can take the place of you.
But I’ve got to move on, tell me what else can I do?

为什么爱上你的人是我
为什么一厢情愿的人会难过
为什么对你舍不得总是我

Promise me you won’t cry before you read on.

No man is worth your tears.

Yes, telling you how I brought girls home and how I smoked was not the best way to boost my chances with you.

For the record, I’ve never slept with them.

I had to come clean with you, no matter at what the cost.

It wasn’t easy to say the things I said.

But I do not and will not believe in hiding the worst sides of me in any relationship.

Something that’s built on a web of deceit will never last.

Yes, we’re pretty far from any chance of being together.

This whole time while I was trying to move on, I became someone else.

For what is a man, if he cannot embrace his own true self?

I know this sounds absolutely irrational because we’ve never been together, but somehow you’re the best I’ve ever had.

I know this sounds absolutely naive, but right here and right now I wish you’ll be the best I’ll ever have.

And because I need to learn to love myself before I can learn to love someone else, I need to stop that downward spiral of mine.

I need to learn to be strong for myself, so that I can be strong for someone I love.

If you truly believe that there will never ever ever ever be a future for us, please just tell me.

You need to hurt me deep now if you do believe that way.

Don’t get soft-hearted, because if you believe that we’ll never ever have a future, eventually I’d be thanking you.

But if you know that we can one day be happy together, let’s start anew and take things one step at a time.

If you believe in me, we still have an eternity to make this work out somehow, we don’t have to rush things. (:

I don’t ask for much, but give me a chance to be part of your life and yourself to be part of my life.

I know I may not be good, but I’ll be better.

I don’t know what will happen next, but thank you for bringing your smile into my life.

Somehow everytime I see you smile, I am so truly happy. (:

And because you were right that quitting smoking was truly a personal battle, you don’t have to remind me anymore.

I won’t be touching a stick from now on.

I am that strong.

Still, thank you for agreeing to help. (:

So, that was how I first made contact with you. I couldn’t believe what I saw, because if you ask me today, I wouldn’t have done so because of how utterly destroyed my self-confidence is.

If you asked me back then, I never thought that I would be me today.

I would have never thought that I would be out at clubs looking for one night stands.

I would have never thought that I would be whispering sweet nothings to someone I don’t even love.

I would have never thought that I would be used to the taste of undiluted hard liqour.

I would have never thought that I would be wanting marijauna badly.

I would have never thought that I would be breathing in nicotine and tar.

I don’t want all these. I just want a normal, peaceful life with someone I love.

I need to pick myself up badly.

Cute!

Opened your picture by accident, and after 230498109831 days of not seeing you, you’re still so cute!

I guess what they say is true! What you can never get is what is most irresistable.

I could hug you to sleep, you cute heartbreaker. (:

I’m not posting anymore things about her, so bear with me because I need somewhere more private to vent out everything.

I finally went clubbing, even though I knew that the joy I derive from the experience would probably be empty and short-lived.

How right I was. I can’t deny, I’d rather be in a stable relationship than go around clubs and grinding and groping every girl I come across. That’s so fucking just fulfilling my physical needs. Oh yeah, some of you guys may think that’s just heaven, just having your physical needs fulfilled and nothing else. But you’ll soon realise, after all the one night stands and shit, you’re still alone after all. You may have a million fuckbuddies, but as long as you don’t have someone you truly love and love you, there will always be something missing from your life.

So there, I feel like something’s really missing. I’ve not experienced how it is like to be in love for ages, and I guess I forgot how it feels like anyway. Yeah, I loved her, but I was not in love with her.

Sometimes I just wish that life wasn’t such a bitch, or maybe she wasn’t such a bitch too.

I hope I find someone new, because I am fucking sick of loving someone that’s gone.

I think I know how it feels like to have someone you love die.

In reality, the you I loved already died long ago. You just suddenly changed one day, and I guess I wasn’t able to catch up.

I’m still the same, I’m still childish, I’m still useless, I’m still loving you.

The only thing that’s different that I’m not happy now.

Perhaps all these while I was in love with the memory of you. I never wanted to face up to the facts that you’ve changed.

You once asked me, if you have really changed. I said no, but now I guess I was wrong.

But maybe you are just putting up a strong front, maybe you are still a caring person deep inside, maybe you are still that warm and sweet-as-hell girl I fell for, maybe you just care too much to want to risk hurting me anymore.

Then again, maybe I am wrong.

Life just has too many variables for me to be sure of anything anymore. I’m not even sure that if I just started knowing the you today, I would be falling for you the same way I did long ago.

I do cherish the memories, I do cherish you.

But memories… are just memories. I don’t want to spend my life living a lie, trying to live out a memory.

It’s over.

I’ll always be here if you ever come back. I know you are still you, Joey.

I’ll be locking all the old entries from now on. The password is “sunshine” because that’s what you’ll always be to me.

I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I would rather you be the future.

Come back to me?